September, 26th
Two days after my 34th birthday, and I'm feeling old. I've done something to my right knee to cause me to have bursitis, and I'm not okay with all this resting I'm supposed to be doing. Thus, the blog, it's keeping me busy.:) I am the landscape service, the maid, the laundress, the cook, the accountant, chauffeur, childcare provider, and I also teach group exercise classes at the DRC and YMCA. So, I taught one class today, and that's all I can do. I'm letting the yard go until this weekend, the painting that needs to be done on the back deck is at a stand still, and the house is a wreck, IMO. Sigh.... Pity party over.
So, I've come to find out somethings about myself....I need endorphins to feel happy. This is not a new thing...I've always needed SOMETHING outside myself to get to that place of "Ahhhh, everything's okay." When I was younger, from about age 12 on until, oh say, 23-24, I used an eating disorder. Bulimia nervousa, to be exact. The high and the release were like a drug...I was addicted from day one and couldn't stop. Didn't know why. Couldn't tell my parents why. I just knew it was bad to everyone else, but to me, it was necessary. Fast forward to my early 20's and several treatment centers later, and being kicked out of the last one, only to end up on the streets of Abilene TX, and broke, alone, 21, and in need of my high. Food was necessary to live at this point...no longer a luxury to purge. Alcohol became MUCH more socially acceptable amongst the others in the homeless shelter. They understood that. Other people understood that. My relationship with food was still VERY unhealthy, but I started to get my high from alcohol. Fast forward to 26 years old, one marriage, come and gone, problems with the law, unemployable, still very into my eating disorder and full blown alcoholic, and I meet my future husband while working at a convenience store (by the grace of God I kept that job.) He saved my life! I was bouncing from place to place, crashing on couches, living out of my suitcase and a big black trash bag. Behind on every bill, no car because I crashed it drinking, and just trying to get by each day, and then I meet this guy who wanted to date me. What the hell was a date?! All I needed was some beer, some vodka and place to pass out. I was a hot mess and didn't want to let ANYONE see that, so NO was my answer. Well, he persisted, and we began an actual friendship that resulted in me finding out I was pregnant with our first son only a few months after we met. I never thought I could even have kids because my previous husband and I had tried! (Divine intervention? I think yes) Nervous, scared and clueless about what to do with this, we decided to keep the baby and be the best parents we could. Turns out, I LOVED being pregnant and God did for me what I could never do for myself, which was stop drinking cold turkey and eat to live and for our little baby. I wanted to feel like that forever!! I loved being pregnant!
I have to end for today... This is a lot to pull up to the front of my brain. Very emotional, painful, embarrassing, and raw. TBC....
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