I'm sitting here tonight doing some work, going through emails, several of them from either healthy food bloggers, fitness sites or my mom, and then there are some from the YMCA I work for now as a group exercise instructor, just going over weekly notes, payroll, upcoming activities, etc... I look down to notice the shirt I have on for bed time, which happens to be one of my most favorite EVER because it's super worn and as soft as a baby's butt. It hits me where I got this shirt. If you'll notice from the picture, it has Downtown Dallas YMCA. Have I ever worked there? No. Have I ever even been there? Nope. I got this shirt when I was staying in a homeless shelter in Abilene, TX. Churches and individuals would drop off bags of clothes 3 days a week for all of the residents to go through. They would leave them in the front hall on some old, cracked plastic benches that ran the length of the hall. We would tear through them like it was gold! It was first come first serve, and you had to be quick, or all that would be left was socks and huge pants. I found this shirt right away because I loved the royal blue....that was the color of my school where I grew up and it just stuck out to me. It was already a pretty worn-in shirt when I got it out of that black Hefty bag then. I've never even really cared about the logo on it....Not until sitting here tonight. Whoever threw that old shirt in that bag one day so many many years ago has no idea...
September, 26th
Two days after my 34th birthday, and I'm feeling old. I've done something to my right knee to cause me to have bursitis, and I'm not okay with all this resting I'm supposed to be doing. Thus, the blog, it's keeping me busy.:) I am the landscape service, the maid, the laundress, the cook, the accountant, chauffeur, childcare provider, and I
also teach group exercise classes at the DRC and YMCA. So, I taught one class today, and that's all I can do. I'm letting the yard go until this weekend, the painting that needs to be done on the back deck is at a stand still, and the house is a wreck, IMO. Sigh.... Pity party over.
So, I've come to find out somethings about myself....I need endorphins to feel happy. This is not a new thing...I've always needed SOMETHING outside myself to get to that place of "Ahhhh, everything's okay."
When I was younger, from about age 12 on until, oh say, 23-24, I used an eating disorder. Bulimia nervousa, to be exact. The high and the release were like a drug...I was addicted from day one and couldn't stop. Didn't know why. Couldn't tell my parents why. I just knew it was bad to everyone else, but to me, it was necessary. Fast forward to my early 20's and several treatment centers later, and being kicked out of the last one, only to end up on the streets of Abilene TX, and broke, alone, 21, and in need of my high. Food was necessary to live at this point...no longer a luxury to purge. Alcohol became MUCH more socially acceptable amongst the others in the homeless shelter. They understood that. Other people understood that. My relationship with food was still VERY unhealthy, but I started to get my high from alcohol. Fast forward to 26 years old, one marriage, come and gone, problems with the law, unemployable, still very into my eating disorder and full blown alcoholic, and I meet my future husband while working at a convenience store (by the grace of God I kept that job.) He saved my life! I was bouncing from place to place, crashing on couches, living out of my suitcase and a big black trash bag. Behind on every bill, no car because I crashed it drinking, and just trying to get by each day, and then I meet this guy who wanted to date me. What the hell was a date?! All I needed was some beer, some vodka and place to pass out. I was a hot mess and didn't want to let ANYONE see that, so NO was my answer. Well, he persisted, and we began an actual friendship that resulted in me finding out I was pregnant with our first son only a few months after we met. I never thought I could even have kids because my previous husband and I had tried! (Divine intervention? I think yes) Nervous, scared and clueless about what to do with this, we decided to keep the baby and be the best parents we could. Turns out, I LOVED being pregnant and God did for me what I could never do for myself, which was stop drinking cold turkey and eat to live and for our little baby. I wanted to feel like that forever!! I loved being pregnant!
I have to end for today... This is a lot to pull up to the front of my brain. Very emotional, painful, embarrassing, and raw. TBC....
